I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what inspires me to travel it. I'm on my journey to finding myself self in a world where it's very easy to get lost.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Epistemological Autobiography

So I was assigned to write a paper on "How do I know What I know?" we didn't have to exactly answer the question it was just something to help us learn a little about our self. this was assigned in the beginning of the semester and was due today so I did this last night. we had no limit she said she would take three sentences, but I ended up writing 4 and a half pages. I sill didn't read it yet I just wrote what was on my mind at 4 in the morning.

How do I know what I know?

I was born on this planet called earth on October 17 ,1988, so I’ve been told I mean I don’t really know because I do not remember my birth or most of my child hood. I was born on the island of Jamaica where I enjoyed a very simple life. I spent most of my time at the beach staring at the cloud and its reflection in the water; I thought it was the most beautiful thing. I would run straight to the beach after school was out. I lived with my grandmother along with some extended family in a small town where everyone knew each other and almost everyone was connected or related to me because both my grandmothers had 10 children each. My parents lived in the U.S and visited as often as they could, they visited pretty often because I can remember them being there for my most memorable moments.

I was a very adventurous kid, most of the children in my town thought I was weird. Jason was my best friend whom I met when I was in preschool, he understood me. He was the only person that knew me that didn’t call me weird even to this day. Maybe that explains why I’m 21 years old and I’ve never had a real relationship with the opposite sex. Was Jason even real? I climb a lot as a child, and I have the scars to prove it. One day I decided to climb a huge fence that separated the high school students from the elementary student. I just wanted to eat lunch with the high school students because they had better lunch. So I climb the gate with two other girls and sat under a tree to eat lunch, a few minutes went by and I felt a piece of metal hit me in my head. There was so much blood but it didn’t hurt so I walked to the hospital where I passed my teacher on the way there she just looked at me and shook her head. I was scared but not because of the scar but because I didn’t want my mom to find out what happened. It turned out that the injury was pretty bad and I had to get stitches. To this day it still hurts in that spot if I put enough pressure on it. I went home to see my mom brushing her teeth and it was hard for her to miss the huge bandage on my head, I thought she would be mad but she just hugged me and laughed. I was just recovering from a broken arm because I decided to go to the cemetery one night and climb trees I fell out of the tree onto a grave; I still remember the grave because my I went to the guys funeral with my grandmother, that was our thing she knew everyone so she would go to every funeral and dragged me along with her because I was the oldest. I remember the guy because he had extremely red lips.

I loved everything about Jamaica but I didn’t appreciate the simplicity of everything until I was no longer there. I love the sun, I love the water, the trees, just the freedom of being around everyone that loved me and not ever having to worry about being kidnapped those things didn’t exist where I lived.

On December 27, 1998 I was on my way to the airport. The car crashed and we did not make it to the airport that day. I was happy the car crashed, I remember getting out the car and crying in my grandmothers arms telling her that I didn’t want to go. The next day I was crying my eyes out in the plane with my younger brother and sister. I was ten and they didn’t cry. We finally got off the plane. It was freezing, there were so much people and they were moving so fast and I hated it. I was angry and I had never felt weather like that before. I saw my parents and I got happy but I was under the impression that I would see my grandmother soon. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t see her or Jamaica until April 2009 nearly 11 years later. I couldn’t go back home because I was here on a visitor’s visa that was only valid for a couple of years and when those years ran out in 2007 I was stuck waiting 2 years for a green card. I was already a distant person and having to explain this to everyone I became close with made me just not want to become close with anyone. All my close friends knew it’s just that they all went off to college and I had to make new friends.

What was set up to be the worst two years of my life turned out to be the greatest. I actually found myself within these two years or began my journey of finding myself I found out a lot about myself and life. I here I have no idea why I’m here the only thing I’m sort of sure of is that I am going to die eventually. What’s the meaning of life? I honestly don’t know, but we’re all here.

I do not like rules or limitation, I don’t deal well to the fact that we are all human beings and yet there are people who have power over other. I don’t understand it but at the same time I understand that we all need to maintain some type of control or else the world go crazy. I really hate that I live in a time where the media rules the world and celebrities are looked up as gods. And I really hate that people think that we all like in a free country/world. If I got up right now and go outside in the cold with no clothes on I know that it’s probably against the law and I would probably be put in a mental hospital for doing so when in reality I just want to know how it feels. I don’t understand why everyone thinks that America is ever going to be equals among races. I want it to happen so bad that it hurts just thinking about it because I really hate labels; I hate them with a passion. We all eat, sleep, feel, and breathe no matter out sexual orientation, race or gender. America will never see pass blacks and whites for the simple fact that there’s a TV channel called BET (black Entertainment Television).If anyone comes out with a WET (White Entertainment Television) we will have big problems, and this Friday will be the premier of the first ever black Disney princess.

Ever since I was a little girl all i use to see on television was stupid ass shows telling children to Just be themselves and everyone else will accept them for being just that. So why is it that everywhere I go all I see is clones and the few people that I see that are truly making an effort to be themselves are getting knocked for it. It took me twenty one years to be the person that I am today, and I am still a work in progress. I'm at the point in my life where I've made a lot of mistakes but I learned from them. I've spent way too much time caring and following others, I'm at a good point in my life where I honestly, Well I'm not going to say I don't care what people think of me but I am going to saw despite what people think of me I'm going to do what I want anyway. When are people going to the only person you're hurting in the long run when you’re pretending to be someone that you're not is yourself. I wish I would have had this mentality years ago but I'm very happy I found it. Yes i like taking showers at 3am, yes I stare at clouds because i find them fascinating, yes I wash my hair almost every day, yes I like watching the twilight zone and shits about aliens maybe I'm just curious. I can spend hours by myself and not get bored. I’d rather listen to Billie Holiday, Erykah Badu and Bob Marley then any artist today. It's not a crime it's just me. I can't go a week without being called a weird but the funny thing is that no one can explain to me why I'm so weird. Everyone is weird or does things out of the norm but only few admit it. What’s so cool about being normal anyway, I feel bad for "normal" because they are too insecure to think for themselves.

I’ve lived a long life, and experienced a lot while during my life yet I’m still at the beginning of my life. I know I have a long way to go and I don’t feel like I’ve left a big enough mark in the world yet. I have too many un answered questions that I’m working on answering. I’ve never been in love I would like to try that out , maybe have children one day and as for the rest of my life I have no idea I’m just doing what I can to be secure in life as far as financially while trying to find a way of living my life the way I want it without breaking any laws or being called crazy, well I don’t mind the crazy part. How do I know what I know? I don’t really know I don’t think I know much of anything except that I’m here breathing, trying my best to get along with others like me and trying to find my purpose here and at this point I am totally lost.

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